So I'm starting to think that maybe there is just legitimately something wrong with my brain, 'cause, well:

[A couple nights ago...]

Thinks to himself:  "Hmm... I know I have to flex some time at work, since I missed a half day on Tuesday whilst I was busy touring the Oregon State Penitentiary. (Sidenote:  Female college students? If you're going to tour a prison, perhaps don't dress like you're gonna go clubbing. See-through tops with dark tanktops underneath and sprayed-on tight jeans/yoga pants? Welcome to every inmate's Spank Bank for the next few months/years.) Ooh! OOH! I know! I'm gonna wake up at 4 AM, stumble around for a while, crawl into work around 6 AM, and pull a 12 hour day! I mean, I've been sleeping like hell since...well, as long as I can remember. But this? It's totally my. Best. Idea. Ever."

[Many hours later, arrives home with bloodshot eyes and a total inability to process information. Eats, drinks, acts like a human being (ish), approaches bedtime with total relief.]

"WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! Oh thank god, it's time to sleep. What is it, like 11 PM? May as well get some sweet delicious sleep, 'cause damn am I gonna sleep well. Maybe I'll just read a little befo --"

[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]

"...this is some bullshit. Okay, um, think, just think. This is fixable. Uh... Just. Think of...?"

[Thoughts begin moving in approximately 18,000 directions at an explosive rate comparable only to supernovae and perhaps really gassy whales.]

"Merciful baby fucking Cthulhu. Okay, I can do this. I'm gonna think about a white room, filled with white noise, with a widdle white baby kitten, and everything is safe and soft and cuddly an--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up forty-five minutes later...]


"Oh for fuck's sa--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]


"Okay, enough. I'm seriousl--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]


"OH MY FUCKING GAW--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]


"...do I laugh or cry at this po--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]


"...I don't eve--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]


"OH COME ON I CA--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]


"If my face was capable of pouting, it would. Becau--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]

"This is a test. Clearly it's some kind of test, otherwise I'm gonn--"


[Goes comatose.]

[Wakes up fifteen minutes later...]

"YOU WIN THIS ROUND, BRAIN."

[Gets up, starts his day at 2 AM.]